These past few weeks have been rough ones at clinic, and I’ve had more discussions about complicated pelvic pain, referrals to domestic violence shelters and hotlines than about healthy communication. I’ve had more than a few patients who were outright hostile to me, angry with my recommendations, and were downright disrespectful. I’ve done more discussing what consent really means with survivors of sexual assault rather than enthusiastic consent. And, for the first time in my life, learning how to inform a patient of their HIV positive status.
Needless to say, I’m ready to return to removing IUDs because patients are seeking pregnancy, discussing birth control options with teens that are excited and ready to listen to the teaching I have to offer, and all the wonderful, fun, empowering things that I usually love about my job. I knew that it wouldn’t always be cake, but I have decided it’s time to turn to the one thing that consistently makes me giggle on the internet: the well-placed gif. Take it away!
After finding trich under the microscope for the third time in an 8 hour shift:
When its Nurses Week and your workplace brought out all the good Trader Joe’s goodies:
When you call another NP on a Saturday and they agree, your patient should go see derm:
But you’ve had a totally insane day and you leave all your charting till the end of the day so your patients don’t have to wait two hours to see you, and you’re still charting at 6 p.m. on a Saturday:
Your first patient Monday morning tells you that he’s most definitely always using a condom, and, you know, maybe he got gonorrhea from the toilet seat. Or from the gym. Yeah, from the gym.
Two words: mucopurulent discharge:
And then I have nothing to do for an hour because both of my IUD inserts scheduled back-to-back had unprotected sex within the past two weeks, and I can’t insert them
But then the universe makes up for it when the front desk takes three walk in patients half an hour before your shift is over:
And then you realize that you’ve been in practice for six months, and still have no idea what you’re doing half the time
But then you have a patient whose chief complaint is “abnormal vaginal discharge,” and you discover, after talking with her that she’s having normal, regular discharge but thinks all discharge is abnormal because nobody talks about what healthy vaginas look like
When my favorite medical assistant and I have a great day, see all our patients, and get out on time:
When you have a patient that has been seeing an old-school OB/GYN who tells them they can’t have an IUD because they’re not married, or that they should be having a pap smear every year still even though our national guidelines, (yes, everyone’s national guidelines. Yes, yours too. I’m serious. Read please.) say we should be doing them every 3-5 years based on a woman’s age.
And sometimes I catch myself making a slightly political point to my patients about universal health care and capitalism:
How I still feel every time I use the microscope:
And now friends, I leave you with my crowning accomplishment today: a dick joke:
What all my co-workers think I think during male exams because I’m a midwife:
And they’re right.